what has passed is past

summer? oh yes, i've met her distant cousin on the east coast. she is quite quick-tempered and capricious.

a bit reckless, that lass. she put out power in all sorts of neighborhoods, she did.

she knows how to rile up a girl like me; humidity, thunder & lightning, downpours, you name it, she's got it.

connections, synapses firing. grounding new experiences and placing people in temporary boxes. moving and organizing is a hassle for most people. you usually stay in the mind box you're put in. these boxes are made of glass; peer in, look out. sometimes plastic; the kind with bpa. or ivy; it'll bind and mute your mind self.

i wonder if my mind selves met one another. how many variations? and permutations?

i imagine it would be like walking through a fun house of warped mirrors.

2010: new year's resolution

2010 - the future has arrived! new decade, right? 2010 to 2019? or 2011 to 2020? results from google news says it's up to you when to celebrate/declare. well, i declare it to be the decade of the 10s.
'tis my graduation year after all.

today is january 3rd and i have just begun reflecting and criticizing (not always constructive) the events and changes of 2009.
i will begin to enumerate my resolutions for this new year and try to live up to them.
ahem..

measurable:
- be more studious. this is imperative for my grad school prospects!
- have more self-control. general enough to apply to my many vices..

non-measurable:
- have a stronger heart + mind
- go back inside. to the subconscious.

anti-gravity

forwards, i go. 1000 -> 4000.
bright, light eyes. edges defining, center stabilizing.
to me. towards me.

but still early to tell. beginning stages and phases.
certainly, certainty





Njosnavelin :: Sigur Ros

words through the digital membrane.

it doesn't really exist.
physically, yes, encased in metal and plastic. but disassembled, it's missing.
is it a string of binary numbers only accessible with electrical input?

the black box.
and senses are also electrical signals into our brains. emotions and thoughts are chemicals: neurotransmitters - dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin...
how the measurable and detectable becomes incorporeal

no answers. just contemplations.

my guess - it doesn't really exist.

..i feel like this

credit: maurizio cattelan

a sort of guessing game

Salon: The 7 vices of highly creative people

1. drink

"To be a drinker means, of course, to be social. Sure, it's all right to drink by oneself on occasion. But because the highly creative live so often in the private world of ideas, they also need to mingle with their friends at a good party."

2. smoke

"... as Oscar Wilde once observed, smoking a cigarette is "a perfect pleasure, because they are exquisite and leave one unsatisfied."

3. gamble

"... it's not until the end of life that we truly know what we've won or lost."

4. eat oysters

"The inspiration of this shellfish can be traced throughout the canon of English literature."

5. dress well

"... it's prudent to remember that the highly creative have always known that communication with words is secondary."

6. sexual appetite

"Writer and historian Gore Vidal is quoted famously as stating, "There are no heterosexuals or homosexuals, only homo- or heterosexual acts. Most people are a mixture of impulses."

7. live off credit

"Because most highly creative people never fully enter the work force, nor make a salary sufficient to their needs, credit is a necessity."

.: 4/7 is not so bad

vices, oh vices. irregularities of being or merely bad habits?
I -> defects, weaknesses, over- or under-
//socially curated?
B -> sinful, addiction, corruption
// environmentally caused?

one or the other, or both, we all have them. some are better at hiding theirs than others. or supress them.
i say indulge. in moderation. overall and at the end, averaged to an accepted amount. by one's own standards of course.

- j

away

i cannot forget
i cannot remember

like parts of photographs cut out and pasted on a collage. (x age in years, days, or hours)
the glossy scraps are put together haphazardly, as if in a rage
or
the glossy scraps are put together with the seeming precision to solve a puzzle

regardless, they are not in order. chaos in two ways, an order of no order.

i am an artist trying to figure out whether or not my work is finished
but at this moment, i pour water over it.

in the moment

drenched and dredged with the waste and excess of lost feelings, overly optimistic goals, personal battles, broken friendships, and missed calls.
its heavy - the worn fishing lines tangled around my legs, the tattered shirts and jeans slopped on my body. they do not belong to me. i gave all my belongings away. i can only own myself.
this liquid, no, it isn't liquid anymore. it's this viscous mass. it's filling my mouth and nose. there's a cold, clammy sensation all over my skin. levels rising. so perfectly. no air bubbles or pockets of air. i'm surrounded, becoming soggy and grey.
my thoughts are polluted. i can't tell which belong to me.
i want my spirit and will to be broken. so i can mend.


moth - burial & four tet

torn off bits and pieces of lyrics from recent music to my ears...

Remember the people /
Simply a part of human nature /
Sending me back to the memory lane /

No button to touch / No dial to turn / No key to hold

Flow sweetly, hang heavy /
You suddenly complete me

Find what you get there / Find what you get there

Erupt, erupt, erupt, erupt again / Erupt, erupt, erupt, erupt again

Walking into open space / Walking into open space

All in all theres something to give, /
All in all theres something to do, /
All in all theres something to live, /
With you ...

for a minute...

a place where there are no grey areas - just black, white, and color. entirely immersive. extremes with no in betweens. artificial light and medicine. trompe-l'oeil and mirrors. parallel and perpendicular.
a sound without voices - only those of the natural world. minus the lyrics and minus the tunes. a rhythm without a pattern. at the back or foreground of one's mind. the fundamental units.
a game of tug-of-war - and the fibers are unraveling. the muscle tears and rebuilds even stronger. which side will prevail. m p e

- | _ _ _ _ _ | _ _ _ |

photo by Bryan Graf

yes, i see: it is not possible to live an unaffected life purely of your innate self
yes, i know: our encounters and relationships give rise to blended outer edges, which can trickle inwards
but, i wonder: of how many/much of our preferences can we claim stake
but, i think: we are all extensions of each other

to place yourself in separate mindsets, states of being, alternative realities. to be open. to understand.
'in the fullness of time,' this would be the greatest human condition




really, it's all one. realize that it's not about differentiation. pursue > self

- jenny

the spaces and places within

in relation to the underlying arrangements and order, draped over by matter to provide a familiar appearance. to have the initial influence of a common descent. for good/bad.
and either accept/reject the lines-colors-shadows reflected and absorbed by light - ultimately processed with bias.
the option i choose is neither. instead, change.


porosity and permeability
the structure has been charred and weathered. but the physical support lends a shape that still bears some semblance to it's prior image. .: underneath we are are all under construction, minor - major. tweaks - shifts.

______________________________________________________________________________


i'm going to begin reading more... fiction and nonfiction. short stories and novels. online and in print.
. fiction-short story-online: Nineteen by Pierce
. nonfiction-book-online: Lumen by Camille Flammarion
. fiction-book-in print: NYTimes - Notable Children's Books of 2008
. fiction-novel-online: Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald


- jenny

alternate spaces and places

to feel a great affinity toward those near and dear. and a want/urge to pursue relations to further depths and breadths. * so much in longing that it materializes in my subconscious when i am closed off from the world of phenomenalism. taken literally: abstract and fragmented though they are, they are. not were or will be
no; it isn't so.
then to engage in fabricated presentations of self in a planar-digital-nonreality; to the extent of dis-belonging and dis-functioning in the world of phenomenalism. i need to re-direct and re-focus my aims and energies.

* to the extent of selfishness and unconcern for those it would hurt/affect the greatest.




my eyes are steeped in hurt - abused from bombardment of flashes and lights too quick to register. i must rest. 'revitalize'
legs are sore as well; but i have more than made up for that. it's +

- me

now. current. here. not here.

19:24
Sunday, October 28, 2007
19:24
i need to have someone to talk to
19:24
Hashigo = 하시고?
ㅎㅎㅎㅎ. Okay. Dinner.
19:24
i scroll the list of people online
19:25
i visit, i dont know, 50 sites
19:25
ive been back in my dorm since 430
19:25
and i haven't done any work
19:25
i look in the mirror
19:25
dissatisfied
19:26
just stare
19:26
i stare back
19:26
its empty
19:26
im empty
19:26
i feel very.. low
19:26
like close to the ground
19:26
minimum energy
19:26
very calm
19:26
still
19:26
but its like flatlining
19:27
that feeling pre-tears. again and again.
19:27
it doesn't happen
19:27
i saw _______ last week
19:27
i was really anxious that day. just stressed. in overdrive
19:28
its like.. polar opposite of now
19:28
detached from my emotions is what i am
19:29
i dont feel for anyone
19:29
or its very small
19:29
hardly
19:29
i go through the actions, but im not feeling
19:29
im not living
19:29
im not me
19:29
where am i
19:29
im crying now.
19:30
it means i am feeling now.
19:30
even if it at the other end
19:30
passion can be angry, joyous, vibrant, all encompassing
19:31
static.
19:31
static noise. white sound. silence. hollow. echoes.